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Life Begins at One – Exciting Birthday Milestones For Ages 1-15

Congrats! It’s you’re first birthday! The path to adulthood is marked by ages that signify responsibility: 16, you can get your driver’s license; 18 you can vote,  join the Army, and enter into legally binding contracts; 21, you can numb your pain with alcohol, and 25 you can finally rent a car. These are certainly landmark birthdays that arrive with serious significance; but starting at age one (1), every year brings about new and exciting privileges and responsibilities.

 

 

 

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Age 1: You can play with unvaccinated kids. 

As long as you’re fully immunized.

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75th Annual “Dad Of The Year” Awards – Submissions Open

Dads Honored Nationally – Woke Dad, in partnership with the World Association of Dads (WAD), is now accepting submissions for this year’s “Dad of the Year” (DOTY) award. Now entering its 75th year, this award recognizes dads throughout the United States for the outstanding strength, commitment and love they exhibit as dads. This year, we encourage you to tell us about a dad you believe deserves consideration by nominating him at WokeDad.com. Taking a few minutes of your time to share their story with us could propel them to worldwide recognition!

Although most DOTY submissions are from close relatives, you don’t have to personally know the individual you nominate. Joan Robins, for example, had only had a fleeting exchange with Brian Jones when she nominated him in 2013. Joan happened to be the daytime manager of the Flying-J where Brian made history. “I saw this mountain of a man storm into the station with beads of sweat running down his face,” she said. Brian marched directly to the restrooms with his 2-year-old-daughter Wendy and then reappeared only seconds later inquiring about changing stations. “Yes, we have one in the women’s restroom,” replied Joan. “I need to change my daughter’s diaper. Can I go in there?” he asked with a note of desperation in his voice. As Joan considered the absurdity of Brian’s request, Brian simply marched into the women’s restroom. Joan saw nominating Brian as a way to help draw attention to a national issue. “The lack of changing stations is a struggle for moms as well, but I’m here to share the dad’s side of the story,” Joan emphatically concluded. Continue Reading

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PSA: My Baby Was Choking. Thankfully, I was (Sort Of) Prepared

We all hope we’ll never be put in the position of having to save our baby’s life, but it could happen to anyone. It happened to me last week. While feeding Cheerios to my 11-month-old twin girls, Clementine started choking. Thankfully, I had taken an infant CPR class before the girls were born, and remembered the basic steps for a choking baby: If it’s a partial obstruction (coughing and/or breathing), let them work it out. However, if the airway is completely obstructed, immediately start alternating between back slaps and chest thrusts. This was clearly a total obstruction — Clemmy wasn’t coughing or breathing. As I jumped into action, Clemmy attempted to stick her little hand into her mouth. My technique wasn’t textbook, but after a few solid back blows, a cereal cluster flew out of Clemmy’s mouth. In the aftermath, we were both in tears.

Even though I was able to save her life, I found myself consumed with guilt. If she had gone unconscious, I would not have been prepared to perform CPR, which is way more technical than back slaps. The CPR instructor had advised us to review the outline every fews months, but I hadn’t looked at it since the girls were born. I could blame my neglect on any number of reasons: I was overwhelmed, it felt like homework, I lost the paperwork, etc. To be honest, I didn’t want to think about my babies dying. No one does — it’s paralyzing. On the other hand, CPR training greatly increases infant survival rates. If Clementine had needed CPR, and I was unprepared, I’d never be able to forgive myself.

To find a class in your area, visit the Red Cross website or call 800-733-2767 (800-RED-CROSS).

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It Takes a World: A Tribute to the Strangers Who Held Our Babies for a Moment and Touched Our Hearts Forever…

When our twin girls were two months old, we traveled overnight from New York City to Cleveland on an Amtrak. We rented a small sleeper cabin — equipped with a sink, table, bunk beds, storage space, and a toilet (which I would not recommend using). Although the cabin was out of our budget, it was worth splurging on for our first time traveling with babies. A few hours into our 13 hour journey, we ventured out of our private quarters to the dining car. To our surprise, the train was filled with empty-nesters traveling across the country — and desperate to hold our babies. They passed our girls around like popcorn while we enjoyed our first stress-free meal in weeks. When we got back to NYC, we started looking for bars and restaurants where grandparents hang out. This past year has been exhausting, but we got through it thanks to the kindness of strangers. (Below, in no particular order, are ten of those special people) Continue Reading

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Baby Whisperer Gently Holds Baby Hostage at Local Dairy Queen

Cleveland, OH — The neighborhood Dairy Queen, traditionally reputed as a cool place to hang, was recently the site of a bizarre hostage standoff between a mother and a self-proclaimed “baby whisperer.” The victim was 35-year-old Kathy McDonald, who herself has felt like a hostage since her three-month-old son, Linus, was born. “I was already on the verge of a breakdown this week, said Kathy while struggling to light a cigarette. “Linus has been inconsolable for weeks — I’ve tried every trick in the book.” After a particularly stressful night, Kathy suddenly found herself craving a Blizzard. As soon as she entered the DQ, Linus passed out. “I knew it wouldn’t last long — I was just hoping to savor my Blizzard in peace. Of course, as soon as I sat down the little shit woke up crying bloody murder.”  Continue Reading

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Minimally Buzzed Parenting

“I feel sorry for people that don’t drink, because when they wake up in the morning, that’s the best they’re going to feel all day.” I love this quote by the late great Frank Sinatra, but it’s a mantra that most adults can’t swing, especially parents of young children. Yet, it’s perfectly normal for parents to unwind with a drink or two — some would say, essential. It’s been months since my last hangover, but I’ve still been feeling rundown in the morning. Our 10-month-old girls usually wake up bright and chipper at 6:00am; now that they’re crawling, I really have to be at the top of my game. As much as I crave a hoppy IPA at the end of a long day, I decided to take a break from drinking — with limited exceptions for holidays and celebrations. In the mean time, Penny has taken on the role of resident teetotaler.

“Daddy, WTF?”

“What’s wrong, sweetie?”

“What are you drinking!?”

“It’s called a Negroni — equal parts gin, sweet vermouth, and Campari.”

“An alcoholic beverage?!”

“Oh, you betcha!” Continue Reading

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Good Naked, Bad Naked, and Naked Parenting

“I can’t look anymore — I’ve seen too much!” This classic line from the iconic TV show Seinfeld, was Jerry’s response to observing his girlfriend struggle to open a jar of pickles in the nude. As is often the case, Jerry was tapping into a universally relatable situation. When Jerry shares his experience with his friend George, George gleefully responds, “It’s like you’re living in the Playboy Mansion!” Jerry then sets his naive friend straight: “Coughing? Naked? It’s a turnoff, man. When you cough there are 1,000s of unseen muscles that suddenly spring into action. It’s like watching that fat guy catch a cannonball in the stomach in slow motion. The thing you don’t realize is there’s good naked and bad naked.” Continue Reading

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How to Survive Without Health Insurance

A year ago, everyone in the family had health insurance. As of this writing, our dog is the only creature in the household with coverage. Without notice, Empire BlueCross recently canceled our policy. We’re in the process of appealing the cancellation; in the mean time, our baby girls are left without coverage during the most vulnerable stage of their life. At 10-months old, they also just started crawling and climbing, increasing the odds of accidental injury. I’m trying to keep a cool head, but Penny quickly noticed a change in my demeanor.

“Daddy, can you swing me around?

“Not now, sweetie.”

“Airplane ride?”

“No, sweetie.”

“How about just toss me in the air?”

“Nope.” Continue Reading

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Cat’s Shit in the Cradle

The pets are revolting! Our beagle has been peeing in the bathroom for over a month. Recently, our cat pooped in a crib — while a baby was sleeping. I walked into the nursery to discover Clemmy rolling in cat shit — covered from head to toe. I stood slack jawed for a good 10-15 seconds in utter disbelief. On the other hand, Clemmy seemed completely unfazed — that is, until she googled it.

“Daddy, are you real?”

“Come again, sweetie?”

“Are you real or a hallucination?” Continue Reading

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Parents of Kidnapped Babies Reportedly Catching Up On Sleep

Brooklyn, NY — The kidnapping of a child is every parent’s worst nightmare. When Rick and Carolyn Thompson awoke at 8:00a.m. Saturday morning, they were in disbelief. Their eight-month old twin girls had apparently slept through the night. Carolyn turned to Rick. “I can’t believe it! First time in eight months.” “It’s a miracle!” said Rick. Assuming their girls were simply exhausted from the day before, Rick and Carolyn went back to sleep. When they awoke again at 10:00am, Carolyn began to suspect that something was amiss. “I thought maybe something was wrong with the monitor,” she recalled . As Rick started uselessly smacking the monitor, Carolyn frantically rushed into the girls’ bedroom — only to discover that her sweet little angels had been abducted. “It was wishful thinking on our part—-obviously kidnapping is more likely than a full night’s sleep,” said Rick.

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Baby Jumpers: Parents’ Best Friend or Death Trap

Baby jumpers are fun for babies and give parents a much needed break. However, pediatricians say they pose a safety risk, and delay motor development. I have eight-month old twin girls. Despite the warnings from the medical community, I got a jumper but decided to use it for the greater good — I conducted a TWIN STUDY with my girls to measure the effects of using a jumper on motor development.

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How to Make Your Baby Work For You

I read to the girls every day, even when they don’t seem to be paying attention. “The Pigeon Needs a Bath” is a perennial favorite, but on this particular occasion they quickly lost interest and started pulling my hair – a legitimate massage technique. Also, the cat was kneading my chest. I’ve never felt so pampered. However, it all came crashing down when Clementine caught wind of my scheme.

“Daddy, I’m not here to serve your needs.”

“What do you mean, sweetie?”

“Um, you’re clearly enjoying this more than we are.”

“Not feelin the Pigeon today?”

“Why do you think I was pulling your hair?”

“I thought you were reciprocating the love.”

“No! I was trying to hurt you!” Continue Reading

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“Let Your Kids Break Stuff”

Baby Proofing (Penny): It’s never too early to start baby proofing your house, but my wife and I have been procrastinating. Now that our girls are starting to crawl, we finally decided to start thinking about baby proofing. In the meantime, we purchased an indoor play yard to keep the girls contained. Clementine seems content in confinement, but Penny desperately wants to regain her freedom. 

“Daddy, don’t you see enough cage fighting on TV?”

“What?”

“I assume you want us to fight? Why else would you have us trapped in a UFC octagon.”  Continue Reading

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“Wives, Submit to Your Husbands”

In the spirit of feminism, my wife and I took the girls to the “2017 Women’s March” in New York City. The girls were each wearing “feminist” onesies, which were a big hit at the march. A lot of photos subsequently popped up online. A photo of me holding Penny ended up on Reddit. Most of the comments were positive, but some opinionated commenters poorly disguised their misogyny with concern for my child’s welfare. “A protest march is no place to take a child!” 

Moreover, Woke Dad has steadily grown to over 12,000 followers… which is apparently when the trolls come marching in. These particular rabble-rousers seem to oppose the concept of feminism — equating it with cancer, and referring to my 6-month-old girls as sluts. They also take pleasure in mocking me as a stay-at-home dad, and seem to be overly obsessed with my sex life — they’re fairly certain that my wife has a boyfriend, and that I enjoy watching her have sex with other men. As if we have time to partake in such decadent delights.

In the meantime, I recently had a spirited conversation with Clementine about feminism and what it means to be feminist.

“Daddy, I don’t wanna be a feminist.”

“Why not, sweetie?”

“I have no interest in consuming the flesh of men.” Continue Reading

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Am I Traumatizing My Kid By Walking Around The House Naked?

I wrote this article for The Fatherly Forum, a community of parents and influencers with insights about work, family, and life. –  Am I Traumatizing My Kid By Walking Around The House Naked?

I interviewed parents raising their children under various degrees of nudity from casual to full-on nudist. It was a real hoot! Feel free to share any of your awkward/hilarious family experiences.

Cheers,

Dean

 

 

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Communication Breakdown: An infant’s take on Led Zeppelin

Twin of the Week – Penelope: It’s never too early to start helping your child build a foundation of faith — which is why I recently introduced Penny & Clemmy to my personal salvation — Led Zeppelin. I’ve been an unabashed Zep fanatic since high school — I only wish someone had introduced me to them earlier. I enjoy a wide range of music, but Zeppelin is the only band of which I can listen to every album from cover to cover. My personal favorite is Zeppelin III, which was released in 1970. Zeppelin III begins with the heart pounding Immigrant Song, followed by a mix of blues and folk. Clementine’s favorite is “Bron-Y-Aur Stomp”, a folksy foot-stomping tune about Robert Plant’s dog. Penny seems more drawn to “Since I’ve Been Loving You,” a slow, bluesy number that seems to stretch time itself.

“Daddy, I don’t get it.”

“Get what, sweetie?”

“The lyrics — they don’t make sense.”

“Sweetie, people don’t listen to music for the lyrics… it’s all about the mood.” Continue Reading

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A Baby’s New Year’s Resolution

Happy New Year! While many people couldn’t wait to say goodbye to 2016, I wanted to hold on to what was arguably the best year of my life. How could it not? On June 21st, my wife and I gave birth to healthy, beautiful, twin girls! Moreover, I had the luxury of giving up my day job, along with the pleasure of staying home with Penelope and Clementine. Admittedly, my wife and I are scraping by, and we’ve had to make a lot of sacrifices, but the experience has been priceless. Not to mention, I now have a built-in excuse to stay in on New Year’s Eve, and avoid the undue pressure of manufactured fun. This past Saturday, when the clock struck midnight, my wife and I tiptoed into the girls’ nursery, and smooched our little darlings. Clementine took advantage of the moment to strike up a conversation about the future.

“Daddy, I thought of a really good New Year’s resolution.”

“What’s that, sweetie?”

“I’m gonna start walking!”

“That’s stupid.” Continue Reading

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Goodnight Boobs

Penelope and Clementine are 6-months old. When they were first born, the pediatrician extolled the virtues of nursing, but acknowledged the difficulties and limitations that mothers face today. The pediatrician concluded her spiel by encouraging Michelle to stick it out for at least six weeks, at which point the girls would have received most of the known benefits of breast feeding. For the past four months, Michelle has been managing her psychology practice, while pumping in between patients. There were many days when she was exhausted, but resisted another cup of coffee for the sake of the girls. There were also many evenings in which she wanted nothing more than to settle down with a glass of wine, but had to continue nursing and pumping to keep up with the increasing demand. She wanted to stick it out for a full year, but I told her that she was overdoing it — milking the boobs at both ends, if you will. As the stay-at-home parent, I’ve been slowly transitioning the girls from boob to bottle. After sacrificing her body for 15-months, Michelle is finally free to ingest caffeine and alcohol at will. The feeling is bittersweet, I’m sure. Clementine seems content with the transition, but Penelope isn’t going down without a fight.

“Daddy, I gonna miss nursing with mom.”

“Sweetie, we’ve been supplementing for months — you guzzle it down just the same.”

“Daddy, it’s not about the f****** milk!” Continue Reading