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Buzzed Parenting

Twin of the Day – Clementine: My wife and I attended a friend’s wedding this past weekend — without the girls. After surviving my first month as a stay-at-home dad, I decided to tie one off. I planned on front loading my drinking, so that I’d be sober by the time we relieved the babysitter. On such occasions, I prefer to have a couple drinks before eating… to get a good buzz churning. However, I did not account for champagne to be flowing during the ceremony itself. I then enjoyed two negronis at cocktail hour — the rest of the evening was a blur. The next morning, I got an earful from Clementine.

“Daddy! I’m so mad at you!”

“Huh? I’m sorry sweetie, daddy’s a little groggy. I haven’t had my morning coffee.”

“Do you even remember what happened last night!?”

“Yes, I do! — Your mother and I spent eight glorious hours away from you and your sister.”

“I don’t doubt that daddy. And that’s fine by me. Penny and I had a stupendous evening with our friend Sally Ann.”

“That’s wonderful, sweetie. There’s nothing better than the friendship experience.”

“Whatever daddy. I’m well aware of the financial arrangement you and mommy have with Sally Ann. — But the love she has for me and Penny is REAL! On the other hand, I’m not so sure about you, daddy. You went straight to bed last night… without even giving me and Penny our goodnight kiss!”

“Oh, I’m sorry sweetie. Is that what this is all about? I can assure you that it was not intentional. I was just so tired.”

“Tired?! I’ve seen you tired, daddy. This was something else entirely. It’s like you weren’t even daddy.

“You’re right, sweetie — I confess — your dad was as drunk as a skunk.”

“I’m not familiar with that expression, daddy. But you reminded me of myself on the day of my birth — as flimsy as a wet-noodle.”

“Again, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to get that drunk — and it’s not like it happens every weekend.” 

“NEVER!”

‘What never?”

“You should never ever ever get that drunk, daddy. Not as long as you’re raising me and Penny. You must be able to take care of us 24 hours, 7 days a week. What if I was gravely ill or if you had to provide CPR?”

“I’d feel terrible sweetie. But your mom was sober last night, and very capable.”

“Well daddy, what if someone broke into the house? You’re supposed to be the protector of the realm. Our knight in shining armor!”

“Home invasions are extremely rare sweetie. But I’m pretty sure my adrenaline would kick in under those circumstances.”

“Daddy, you have a clever retort for everything don’t you? Well, answer me this — why do you get drunk? What are you running away from?”

“Oh sweetie, you’ll understand one day.”

“Don’t just condescend to me, daddy. I want a real answer!”

“Honestly, sweetie— your daddy is extremely shy. I used to get drunk to get the courage to talk to woman.  These days, it’s just fun to cut loose at weddings and other special occasions.”

“Come on, daddy — how special could it be if you’re passed out halfway through the reception? Do you plan on getting wasted at my wedding?”

“No, sweetie, I wouldn’t do that to you.”

“So, if you think about it, daddy — you didn’t just let me down — you also let your friend down.”

“Hmmmm. I don’t think my friend minded… if he even noticed. BUT to be honest, sweetie, I definitely let myself down.”

“I’m so glad you could acknowledge that, daddy — because friendships fade and children leave the nest— but you have to live with yourself for the rest of your clever little life.”

6 Comments

  1. That’s exactly what happened the first wedding we had without having to take care of our 5 month old son. This article was almost word for word for how I felt.

    • Thanks Travis. How old is your son now? It was definitely a learning experience. Getting out is fun, but only worth it if the sitter is there in the morning to take care of the girls while we nurse our hangover. Now we just want to get a sitter so that we can sleep.

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