1

Fly Together, Die Together

Twin of the Week – Clementine: Michelle and I attended a wedding last month (see Buzzed Parenting). While at the wedding we chatted with a set of parents who had flown in from out of town. They actually flew separate planes to the wedding so that if one plane crashed their kids would still have a parent. I’m terrified of flying but I would never fly separate from my wife — fly together, die together — that’s our motto. Nonetheless, our conversation with this neurotic couple got us thinking about who would take care of the girls in the case of our untimely death. I recently spoke with Clementine to get her input on the matter — she had an interesting perspective.

“Daddy, please don’t die!”

“Sweetie, we’re not going anywhere…”

“Phew!”

“But, god forbid something happens…”

“Nothing’s gonna happen!”

“BUT, god forbid something does… we want the best for you and your sister.” 

“Oh, the best? I didn’t realize you could get the best. Who is it? Bruce Springsteen? I’d leave you in a heartbeat for “The Boss.”

“Sorry, sweetie, Bruce is busy. On the bright side, you’ll probably end up with humble, working-class, Midwesterners like those portrayed in most Springsteen ballads.”

“Yuck! The Midwest!? Daddy, the Midwest is boring!”

“Sweetie, maybe you don’t remember — we visited Cleveland and St. Louis when you were two-months-old — you loved it!”

“That doesn’t sound like me, daddy — I’ve always hated the Midwest.”

“NOT TRUE! In fact, you were begging us to stay longer.”

“Get outta town!”

“You especially loved grandma’s screened in porch, along with the nightly chorus of crickets.”

“Crickets? Daddy, I think you mean feral cats.”

“No, sweetie, cats are mammals. Crickets are insects that chirp at night.”

-CONVERSATION BREAK TO SHOW CLEMMY A YOUTUBE VIDEO OF CRICKETS-

“WOW, daddy, crickets are loud — what’s all the raucous about?

“That’s a conversation for another time, sweetie — but I have a question for you: When you go to bed at night in Brooklyn, what do you hear?”

“Nothing, daddy. Nothing at all.”

“Exactly! Unfortunately, we don’t have crickets — everyone associates New York City with noise — but without crickets, the nights can be eerily quiet.

“Daddy, what if I hate my new parents?”

“Not a chance, sweetie. We’re leaning towards your mom’s brother and his wife in St. Louis — you already adore them.”

“And my cousin, Brady?”

“Yep! Except, at that point he’d become your step-brother. Imagine that — you’ll have an older brother to protect you.”

“Well, that’s just the bees-knees, daddy. So, what’s the downside?”

“None!”

“Don’t yank my chain, daddy — there’s always a downside.”

“Ok. Ok. I wasn’t gonna tell you this — they’re Republican.”

“AND?”

“We’d prefer a family with liberal values.”

“Daddy, you’re so naive. Republican — Democrat — just opposite sides of the same coin.”

“Oh, and by the way — they go to church on Sundays.”

“AND?”

“You will also have to go to church.”

“Shit on a stick! Well, daddy, what’s Plan B?”

“My brother, Mike, in Cleveland.”

“Your twin bro? He’s such a swell guy!”

“And financially stable!”

“And I’ve heard so many great things about Cleveland: beautiful park system, Cleveland Orchestra, and of course, championship caliber sports teams.”

“Don’t you want to know the downside?”

“Does it involve church?”

“No.”

“I’m sold!”

“Well, you should know this — my brother would be raising you as a single parent.”

“AND?”

“You’re used to having a mom and a dad.”

“No sweat, daddy — we’ll find him a good lady — it’ll be like a romantic comedy!”

“Believe me, I wish I was single every time I’m out with you and Penny.”

“Hasn’t stopped you from flirting, daddy.”

“Oh, I almost forgot — another thing you should know — Mike’s on the Paleo diet.”

“The what? Is that the caveman horseshit?”

“Afraid so, sweetie.”

“F**k a duck! No way. I’m not giving up pizza.”

“To be honest, sweetie, there’s no perfect solution.”

“You and mommy are perfect!”

“Sweetie, just wait a few years — you’re gonna hate us.”

“No way, José!”

“Yes, way! One day, you’ll want a horse. Your family in the Midwest could probably afford a horse — we can’t even pay off our student loans.”

“Daddy, all I will ever ask from you and mommy is your unconditional love.”

“Ok, on that note — at some point you’ll fall for a foolish boy — and we won’t let you.”

“Fine with me, daddy — I trust your judgment.”

“How about this — we’re not saving any money for your college education — we’d rather spend it on lavish vacations. ”

“F**k college, daddy. I’m gonna learn a trade — either a plumber or an electrician.”

“Really? I totally support that idea, sweetie.”

“See, daddy, you’re so easygoing — that’s what makes you and mommy so awesome.

“Well, don’t fret, sweetie — mom and I will try to stick around for at least a few more years — as much as our relatives love you, nobody wants to deal with babies.”

“I’m not worried, daddy. No matter what happens, Penny and I will always have each other — like Bruce says, Tramps like us, babies are born to run.

One Comment

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *