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Parents of Kidnapped Babies Reportedly Catching Up On Sleep

Brooklyn, NY — The kidnapping of a child is every parent’s worst nightmare. When Rick and Carolyn Thompson awoke at 8:00a.m. Saturday morning, they were in disbelief. Their eight-month old twin girls had apparently slept through the night. Carolyn turned to Rick. “I can’t believe it! First time in eight months.” “It’s a miracle!” said Rick. Assuming their girls were simply exhausted from the day before, Rick and Carolyn went back to sleep. When they awoke again at 10:00am, Carolyn began to suspect that something was amiss. “I thought maybe something was wrong with the monitor,” she recalled . As Rick started uselessly smacking the monitor, Carolyn frantically rushed into the girls’ bedroom — only to discover that her sweet little angels had been abducted. “It was wishful thinking on our part—-obviously kidnapping is more likely than a full night’s sleep,” said Rick.

Responding to the emergency dispatch, the NYPD arrived at the Thompsons within minutes. As the forensic team began its exhaustive sweep for evidence, Carolyn and Rick made another shocking discovery. The kidnappers had also taken an assortment of toys, along with all the baby formula. “Well that’s just dandy,” said Carolyn! “I’m sure those darn kidnappers are judging me right now!” Detective Brian Barnes turned to Carolyn with a look of perplexed astonishment. Carolyn shot back with an incredulous stare. “I breastfed for 6-months, but it’s never enough! Complete strangers routinely ask if I’m nursing, to which, the only acceptable answer is YES. Breast is best, they say.” “I’m impressed!, said Rick, attempting to disarm the tension. “This clearly isn’t their first rodeo. I can’t believe they had the wherewithal to remember toys. Transitionary objects are crucial.” 

Speaking at a press conference Monday afternoon, NYPD spokesman Sgt. Brandon Holms announced that they were setting up a special hotline. “If anyone has any leads as to who might have abducted these sweet girls, please contact us immediately.” Sgt. Holms also addressed the growing public outrage directed at the Thompsons for not “acting like” bereaved parents. “But what kind of parents would be able to sleep knowing their children were missing?” asked a reporter from the New York Times. “Look, my wife and I have two children, ages four and six,” said Sgt. Holms. “We barely survived the first few years of parenting, and we didn’t have twins. I can’t even begin to imagine what the Thompsons have been going through since their daughters were born.” 

Speaking to reporters after the press conference, Rick made an impassioned plea to the kidnappers. “If you have any mercy in your heart, please give us a couple more weeks of rest before safely returning the girls to our loving arms.” Rick’s attorney did a spit-take, abruptly waved off the press, and quickly ushered the Thompsons into their car.

Just hours after setting up the tip line, the NYPD received a call from a female claiming to be speaking on behalf of the kidnappers. “We’ll return the girls upon receipt of a $250,000 ransom.” Before negotiating with the caller, Sgt. Holms demanded proof that she, in fact, had the girls. Following some commotion on the line, Rick immediately recognized the sound of a baby girl. “Did you hear that?,” said Rick. “She just said da da! Her first words!” “Don’t be ridiculous!,” Carolyn shot back. “She clearly said do do. She misses her doggie.” At this point, the female abductor intervened. “You’re both crazy! She didn’t say anything — it’s just cooing.” Sgt. Holms quickly regained control. “Listen lady, how do we know the girls are safe?” “Oh, I can assure you the girls are receiving top notch care — better than most daycare facilities. Our adult to child ratio is 2:1, well exceeding New York’s standards for center-based care.” Based on the woman’s detailed knowledge of childcare regulations, Sgt. Holms believes the kidnappers have worked in the childcare industry. 

“Hey, that’s not too bad,” said Carolyn reacting to the $250,000 ransom. “Do you know how expensive full-time day care is in this City? For twins!?” Against the advice of Sgt. Holms, Rick created a Go FundMe page to secure the ransom. “I’ve always been against crowd-funding. It’s really just a savvy method of pan-handling. But, you know, desperate times…” Speaking off the record, Sgt. Holms expressed concern about crowd-funding ransom demands. “It could set a very dangerous precedent — It’s highly unusual for kidnappers to demand a ransom from working class families. Think Patty Hearst — ransom-based kidnappings have always been focused on children of the rich and famous. If kidnappers learn that any mom-and-pop can secure outrageous amounts of money through crowd-funding, no family is safe.”

As of press time, the Thompsons seemed confident that they would be able to satisfy the ransom within a week or two.

“We’re really trying to keep a level head,” said Carolyn. “There’s nothing we can do until the money is secured, so why stress,” said Rick, who added that, until yesterday, they hadn’t left the house in months. “Last night, we saw Manchester By the Sea,” chimed Carolyn. “We hope to take in all the best picture nominations before the girls get back,” said Rick. “I can’t wait to see Arrival! I heard it’s coming back to theaters on the wave of all the Oscar buzz! Really, the timing of this couldn’t be better.” 

One Comment

  1. This is hysterical. Don’t leave us hanging. Will Rick and Carolyn get their twins back, or, as at t he Oscars, will there be a bizarre almost-switcharoo , resulting in their getting someone else’s twins for just a moment?

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