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Trumpettes

Twin of the Day – Penny: Penny’s vision is maturing at a developmentally-appropriate pace. It’s my understanding that human babies can see color at birth, but their vision is blurred, so they can only distinguish contrasting colors such as black-and-white. Throughout the first two months or so, they have difficulty distinguishing similar tones, such as red and orange. Now that Penny is nearly three months old, she’s able to distinguish most colors — which recently led her to a shocking discovery — mom and dad have been dressing her in mismatched socks.

“Daddy, have I been wearing these wretched things my whole life?” Continue reading Trumpettes

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Fame! I’m Gonna Live Forever

Twin of the Day – Clementine: Mom recently went out with her friends for cocktails — her first night out since the girls were born. I insisted. It’s important for her mental health. I even encouraged her to flirt with other men to prove to herself that she’s still got it! So, after mom pumped enough breast milk to keep the girls satiated through the night, I gave her some words of encouragement, and pushed her out the door. I was excited to have some time alone with the girls — my first opportunity to start cultivating an alliance against mom.

“Girls! Who’s ready for a slumber party?!”

PENNY: “Isn’t it time for bed, daddy? Mom has us on a schedule.”

“Well, your mom’s a stickler for LAW & ORDER — Dad is all about FUN & GAMES!” Continue reading Fame! I’m Gonna Live Forever

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Women of the 21st Century

Twin of the Day — Clementine: Clementine is thankful for the privileges that attach to her status as a woman of the 21st Century. As a student of history, she realizes that in the not so distant past, women were treated as mere possessions or second class citizens. BUT, as a modern woman, she is free to follow her wildest hopes and dreams — whether it’s raising a traditional family in the suburbs, dedicating her life to public service, competing as an MMA fighter, or even traveling across the cosmos as an astronaut surgeon.

However, she’s a little anxious after overhearing a conversation between mom and dad. I, somewhat facetiously, expressed how happy I was to have girls — “We don’t have to worry about them playing football and suffering brain damage!” Michelle quickly shot back, “What a relief! We just have to worry about eating disorders and being raped by football players.”

“Daddy, didn’t you play football?”

“Yes, sweetie.”

“How many women did you rape?” Continue reading Women of the 21st Century

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Death Traps

Twin of the Day – Penny: The girls are two months old, and mom’s getting ready to go back to work — so we’re considering daycare options. Clemmy is content with daycare centers, but would prefer to stay at home with a sitter. On the other hand, Penny is totally freaking out! She’s totally opposed to daycare, and isn’t too keen on sitters either. I assured her that New York has strict regulations for “center based” child care — the staff to child ratio for infants is 2:1 — “Just like when dad’s at work, and mom’s the only adult at home.”

“It doesn’t matter daddy! I want to be cared for by people who are with me because they love me — not because they’re getting paid to watch me.”

“Honey, of course, that would be ideal. But times have changed — that’s not the society we live in. It hasn’t been that way for awhile.”

Penny romanticizes the past when extended families lived together on farms or in small towns or villages. She always refers to our friend Parag who was raised in India as an infant — in a house with mom, dad, cousins, aunts, uncles, grandma, and grandpa.

“That’s the ratio I want daddy! The love ratio!!” Continue reading Death Traps

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Flirting is Healthy for Marriage… and Divorce

Twin of the Day – Clementine: We recently took the girls from New York City to Cleveland via Amtrak to meet their extended family. Traveling across the country with 7-week-old twins is serious business. For our sake and that of the other passengers, we splurged for a sleeper car… which had just enough room for the four of us to rest our large and tiny bones. It was a long passenger train, which also included a dining car and a bar.

After dinner, Penny and I went back to the room to settle in for the night. Clementine was a little fussy, so mom took her on a soothing walk across the length of the train. Along the way, mom stopped at the bar for a night cap. Later that night, I was awakened by the stirs and cries of my darling Clementine. As I brought her in close, she said she had a secret to share. She was upset because she saw mom flirting with a man at the bar. Without knowing the details, I quickly assured her that mom was probably just making polite conversation.

“What’s the difference daddy?” Continue reading Flirting is Healthy for Marriage… and Divorce